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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990259">#18</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet'>Schweet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>What Would I Even Tell Her [18]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, LGBTQ, Self-Acceptance, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:02:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24990259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>Edit- July 21st, 2020 (updated to be better)</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>What Would I Even Tell Her [18]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605673</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>#18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Edit- July 21st, 2020 (updated to be better)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hello Elizabeth</p><p>It was good seeing you today</p><p>I enjoyed our little 'secret' conversation</p><p>It really felt like we were little kids again</p><p>Wrapped up in each other while the adults talked above us about whatever it is adults talk about</p><p>Taxes and public education and the state of our country</p><p>It's strange to think that we are adults now</p><p>We still talk about smelling candles and your half-anniversary plans and political protests</p><p>This will be your last year of college</p><p>And meanwhile, I feel like I'm just getting started</p><p>I feel like you're moving on without me while I'm trying to move on from you</p><p>I'm terrified of losing you</p><p>That fear has guided me for months</p><p>8 of them to be specific</p><p>And that is why you'll never know</p><p>At least, not until we're both happy with someone else</p><p>Not until I can stop thinking that every time you say you want to talk</p><p>I think you are going to reveal your heartfelt longing for me when instead you only want to talk over the significantly insignificant moments of each other's lives</p><p>-<em>Like how you became a grandmother of twenty-odd guppies with no reasonable end in sight</em>-</p><p>Not until I stop feeling weak in the knees when I think about you topping me in the middle of my mother's extremely conservative priest's sermon about Jesus and stuff</p><p>-<em>I don't know I don't pay attention anymore, I'm always thinking of you</em>-</p><p>Not until I can kill this sadness within my heart whenever I think of how much light your smile brings to a room and how your laughs lift the ceilings and lighten the night skies with stars made of your spoken syllables</p><p>-<em>Orion is no longer my favourite constellation</em>-</p><p>This sadness has become more distant, more removed these past 8 months</p><p>4 of them to be specific</p><p>But it is still there</p><p>And these traitorous thoughts still lunge from the shadows I have committed them to</p><p>Especially during church</p><p>When I think about how if God is real and if he can read minds then he must know how horrific I am to think these thoughts of you</p><p>Even if I don't actively think those thoughts of you</p><p>More observe and witness and watch and listen and</p><p>
  <em>Shut. them. down.</em>
</p><p>I can barely digest that I'm gay</p><p>But being gay for <em>you</em>?</p><p>I may need 8 more months for that</p>
  </div></div>
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